Being Organized as a Negative Trait & Learning to Say No
The first, “I’m
‘Overly Organized’ and Other Myths We Tell Ourselves,” gives voice to
something I have come across so often, I can’t even tell you how many times
I’ve experienced it. I highly recommend
reading the original post to get the full picture, but the main idea is that
being organized is often seen in a negative light. And the question is, why is that? Moreover, why do we accept it?
The post highlights certain words that are
often used to describe those of us who are organized, words such as
controlling, perfectionist, anal, OCD, neat freak, worry wart, and rigid, among
others. All of the above have been used
to refer to my personality and not necessarily in a good way.
While many people are in awe at my
organizational and time management skills, many of those people also see these
things as a downfall. They seem to feel
that being so holds me back to a certain extent, mainly because it doesn’t
allow me to be flexible and to go just “go with the flow.” What they don’t realize that “going with the
flow” is built into a personality. It’s
not something we just decide to do, though of course it can be done that
way. Try as we might, going with the
flow doesn’t come naturally. It’s
something that we need to be conscious of and actually work at. Our minds are built in a different way. It’s not wrong—despite what others may
think—it’s just different.
For the record, I am rigid about my own tasks
and timeline. I like everything to be
just so. I like hammering out my tasks
and schedule for the day because it helps me to focus and to stay focused. But that doesn’t mean that I expect everyone
else to be the same way. Some people
can’t work that way; they can only function by having piles of paper in front
of them as a reminder that it needs to be done.
Some people can leave their desks messy and still accomplish their
tasks. Just as it is with me, it’s not
wrong; it’s just different. I do think,
however, that people assume that my
rigidness with myself automatically means that I’m rigid with others. The reality is that if I’m working on a
deadline, I need to plan when and how the task will be accomplished because
that’s how I work. If someone wants
something done, I can’t just drop what I’m doing to do what they want done, when they want it done without disrupting my
current workflow. And that is where my
inflexibility comes in—it’s not so much about not being flexible for them, but
about being rigid and following my own plan to get my own tasks done. Just as they want me to understand where
they’re coming from, they need to understand where I’m coming from.
Ironically, though, even with this negative
connotation built into to being organized, these same people know what I can
and will accomplish my tasks and that it will be done well. I don’t take on things
I know I can’t give my all or complete.
I don’t do anything half-assed.
That’s just how I am. So when
people want something done, quickly and thoroughly, they come to me because
they know they can trust me to complete the task from start to finish—and then
some, if you include projecting how the completed tasks will play out (or not)
once they’ve been completed. I try to
think of all scenarios that will result from my tasks so that I can better
determine the appropriate path to accomplish my goals. Most people don’t think beyond what’s right
in front of them. And that’s not bad,
per se. But it could result in more work
down the line. I try to combat that from
the beginning. So if that is being
controlling, then yes, I am controlling.
But people just might benefit from that in the end, so really it’s a win
for them and shouldn’t be considered negative.
My family and friends and I often joke about
my being OCD, that I have to have everything lined up just right, and everything
planned out. For the most part, it is a
joke for me. Yes, I am certainly that
way. In many cases it’s a good thing,
though many people see it as a bad thing and use it against me: “You need to
learn to let go;” “You need to go with
the flow more often;” “You need to be
less structured;” on and on. In many
ways, they are right. I do need those
things. But I also need to be who I
am. Being flexible is not who I am. Trying to add more flexibility into my life
is something I can accomplish. But my
level of flexibility will be different from someone else’s.
What no one understands (other than those who
are just like me) is that it is a struggle
for me to be those things. I do want to
allow for more flexibility, to let go of my perfectionistic ways, to throw
caution to the wind and just ride out the day.
But it doesn’t come naturally to me, so I have to spend more energy on
it than someone else. And one way to do
that is to make a plan for it, to create a list of things I know I can
accomplish (to say that I’ve accomplished something for the day) and scheduling
in time to relax (because without scheduling it, it just won’t happen).
When people act as if my personality traits
of being organized and scheduled and task-driven are bad, that only adds pressure and stress for me. I’m already telling myself I “need” to let
go. Listening to others tell me that the
way I live my life is “bad” just makes me more focused on what I am versus what
I “should” be. Yet, it doesn’t work the
other way around—if I tell people they “should” or “need” to be more
structured, it just wouldn’t go over well.
And while I don’t care what the general public thinks of me, I do worry
about tainting my relationship with friends and family.
Several years ago, I did a quick Myers-Briggs
personality test, which said that I focus more on my relationships than the
issue at hand. So, for example, if I
have an argument with someone, I worry about how that argument will affect my
relationship with the person, while the other person tends to focus on the
argument itself. I worry that what I
said or did will change how the person feels about me and so I would rather
take the blame or let go of what I want in order to keep the peace, to maintain
the relationship. I always try to fix
the issue because I’m afraid that our relationship will be broken because of
the argument. This is not a typical
mentality. Most people will have an
argument, be focused on the argument, but are also able to let it go because
they know that the argument will not affect the relationship. It is in this way that I am a people-pleaser.
Which brings me to the second
article from Penelope Loves Lists.
This article is about learning—or giving
yourself permission—to say no. One of my
biggest downfalls is not being able to say no when someone asks me to take on
something new. I can’t say no because I
fear it will affect our relationship.
Realistically, this isn’t true.
But it’s always something that comes to my mind when someone asks me to
do something.
Saying no is something that I have been
working on for ages, and while I have made a lot of progress, I still find
myself caught in that quagmire of wanting but not willing to say no once in a
while. Of course, this all depends on
what it is and who is asking and how much of my time it will take. My general rule for accepting (or not) responsibilities
put before me is telling them that I will think about it and get back to
them. The reason for this is because I
really need to weigh whether or not this is something that I truly want to take on. Many times I will accept because I have the
time, meaning my schedule allows for it.
But just because my schedule allows for it doesn’t mean it won’t drain
me of my mental or emotional energy. Or
maybe it’s just not something I’m interested in. Giving myself that cushion of time to think
about it really lets me think about all of the ways in which it will affect
me. (See, there’s that thinking down the
line trait that I mentioned above.)
I tend to be a people pleaser anyway simply
because I enjoy helping others. But the
reality (and I’ve learned this the hard way, many times over) is that the more
you give, the more people take. And more
often than not, they take without (true) thanks. In the end, they get what they want, and I am
left with nothing but feeling drained. I
have experienced all too often that people will ask for my help or expect
things from me but will not give their time in return when I ask. So I’m learning—very slowly—to not over-give,
especially for people who I know would not give in return.
Learning to say no—while it goes against my
getting things done mentality—needs to be done for my own sanity. Saying no might be seen as being inflexible
in regards to helping others out, but I need to let go of any negative
connotation for any of my personality traits because the reality is that
someone will always be displeased no matter what; you can’t please everyone.
Learning and making my life be about me—the me that I am, not the me that
others think I should be—is the ultimate goal in the end. If I am not happy, I cannot fully help
others. So it’s high time I start being
as selfish as I need to be in order to make these things happen.
I was very moved by your post and have some thoughts I'd like to share with you.
ReplyDeleteI come across this sort of thing all the time. Other people are not like me and I am not like them but somehow they seem to be giving me the message that I need to change and be who they are.
We never NEVER have to apologise for being just the way we are made. You say that it's a struggle just to 'let go' ... and that's because it is for you. Imagine a dog trying to teach a cat to bark or a cat trying to teach a hamster to climb trees? Can you imagine the conversation?
"You just have to try harder..." "But it's so difficult, it doesn't come naturally" "See! I can do it, It's easy. Be more like me"
Absurd!
Rather than trying to defend your uniqueness, can I encourage you to embrace it? It's how you're wired, it's how you think and act naturally, just do it because it's who you are. We will never be like anyone else because we're not SUPPOSED to be. Of course you're miserable trying not to being the organised person you naturally are. You can't do that any more than they could succeed at be more organised. It's like trying to knit fog!
Remember this "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken"
As a post script, can I also encourage you to push through in saying 'no' when you need to. You seem to be very clued up as to who you are as a person (Myers-Briggs is a great tool for this). People don't like us more when we say yes when we shouldn't. They just think of us as an easy way to help them get what they want done and sometimes they're just being selfish. Of course you like to help people, but sometimes we're not helping them. We might even be an enabler (depending on the situation). It's tough. Everyone wants people to like them. Just don't give up making the progress you say that you are. Keep going in the same direction.
I hope this has helped you - even a bit.
Thank you for your comments, Maxine. You are 100% correct!
DeleteI don't apologize for who I am, though it probably does sound that way. I guess it's more of a question as to why it's me that "needs" to change and not others. It's like being an introvert (which I also am). For whatever reason, it's seen as something negative. But it's not, just different from how most people are. But the truth is, the world needs both organized and introverted people because without them, there would be nothing to compare the disorganized (or "normal") and extroverted people to. Everyone would be the same, would work the same, would think the same, would act the same. And that's boring, not to mention that things wouldn't get done.
I do embrace who I am, but I also understand that most people don't understand (and therefore don't accept without question) who I am. And that is where my uncertainty comes into play -- why on earth is this so "bad?"
As for saying no...I am slowly (oh, so slowly) learning to say no. I'm also in the process of telling myself why I need to say no (because I don't have time, because it wouldn't be done for you, etc.), and that seems to be working. I agree that we don't do people any favors by always saying yes. They don't learn to do these things for themselves. And of course, people always ask because they have gotten used to our saying yes and then get annoyed when we finally say no. So there's that little piece to deal with, too. Eventually, it will all work itself out -- I will be able to say no without any guilt whatsoever and people will accept that that's how it is. In a perfect world, anyway. ;)
Thank you for this. It's thought provoking, but at 7:16 a.m., my brain isn't awake yet. Will definitely come back for another read.
ReplyDeleteI agree -- nothing makes that much sense that early in the morning. :) Thanks for your comment!
DeleteThis really spoke to me, especially the internal feelings about organized being a negative thing. :( I feel that all the time.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I really don't get why this is seen as negative. After all, as most of us know, being organized helps us to be efficient.
DeleteAs someone who has known you for a long time, I don't see anything negative about your ability to organize. In fact, I know I can always count on you! I know there were people who took advantage of that, but for those of us who appreciate you and respect you, your organization abilities (in all parts of your life) are a rare and wonderful gift! <3
ReplyDeleteI don't think the negativity has so much to do with my organizing skills, so much as I'm seen as unyielding and/or rigid in order to keep everything "just so." And this is how I am -- with myself. But I am not this way towards others, but I think there's an assumption that I am, that all organized/"OCD" people are this way.
DeleteThank you for your support! :)
Oh yes, that's what I meant by that. I think people see what they perceive to be too much organization as rigid and unyielding. Like so many things in life, if it's not effecting you (and it's not harming the other person), just let them be! People. Geez! ;)
DeleteOh, yes. And while I'm "too organized" and rigid, they come to me when they want something done because they know I'll do it, and do it well. Like most things in life: you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
Delete